true beauty [2.21.08]

There is a beauty in knowing who you are. There is an unrelenting strength in understanding all there is about you. The importance of embracing that truth and appreciating its freeing abilities from the emotional baggage you carry upon your shoulders cannot be stressed enough. For it is through introspection and outward expression that you will be able to uncover all that hides your beauty, thus allowing such beauty to invalidate any social standards from containing it.

For some time, the outlook I had for myself consistently hung below the mark of content. Throughout high school my rambunctious exterior, fabricated of over-the-top ice-breakers and the unrelenting need to provide the class with obnoxious knee-slappers, got me through facing my true self. I used my sense of humor as an alter-ego to deter any chance that someone might stop and question who I was. And so developed my escape from reality, a chance to be someone else whose thoughts did not weigh so heavily, and whose emotions were not so deep.

It was not until I had started college that people began questioning what I wanted to be, where I wanted to end up, what I thought about this issue or that topic, my religious beliefs, political views, and morals. These questions were basic, common knowledge to those who knew themselves. I did not know myself. Realizing late in the game that my humor and wit would only carry me so far, I began searching for answers to all the questions. Left and right, there I was taking this online career quiz or reading that personality book. I began turning to the people around me to tell me who they thought I was. I went to church at the chance that religious ideals would provide an epiphany that might direct me. I even took on the ideas and truths of others and convinced myself they were my own. It was not until I took a step back from finding the person that people would enjoy, and faced the fact that I had been lying to protect myself from judgment, that I could finally be honest with myself.

For so long, I had tucked myself away, replacing my thoughts and emotions with a socially accepted guise that I ended up censoring myself from any form of self-understanding and acceptance. Once I was able to realize this, I was able to take a fresh breath of air and start uncovering the layers of lies I had so tightly wrapped myself in. I began journaling, writing every day to release that which had been blocked from expression. I allowed my creativity to flow, feeding into my ideas and allowing them to manifest themselves into stories, prayers, drawings, paintings, fears and dreams. Being able to present such beauty to myself, I found, relieved me of the apprehension I had towards embracing all I had to offer. And by engaging in such introspection and outward expression, I was able to present to others the real me, the person behind the mask, the honesty.

It is truly freeing once you are able to find out the deeper sides of yourself. To peel back the layers and find out who you are, why you are, and who you want to be, are the only things you can do to maintain emotional well-being. Taking the time to understand that social standards produce little happiness and much suppression has allowed me to face why I never faced myself before: I had no real grasp of self, no appreciation for my individualism, and thus, no form of understanding or content towards who I was. I had lied about being one person to protect myself from rejection. But once I freed myself out of the mold I desperately wanted myself fit, as to be like everyone else, I realized that who I am is more than who I was pretending to be. What I had to offer was more than any lie could overshadow. For it is an absolute truth that beauty can only develop from the honest mind. Once you seek out and accept such truth, diving whole-heartedly into introspection and creative expression, you will no longer be fearful of expressing your beauty.

A $1.20 Cap brings about salvation Pt. 3

The plan was to hand Dima the hat with a Bible verse in hopes that it would spark curiosity and lead him to the Scriptures. But curiosity must have set in rather strongly after prayer, as we found Dima at the foot of our cabin. No time to write down Scripture. Time to bust out the Evangecube. Never been used between the two of us, Claudette attempts to break down the gospel in basic terms - "Man - God - sin - broken - Christ died - forgiveness - relationship." Alina comes in at the perfect time and we begin to ask him his thoughts. This 12-year-old had a very keen sense as to the power of prayer. Alina translated that his grandmother prayed for him daily and the day she failed to pray, he fell and hurt himself. But he also felt that God didn't always hear his prayers. This kid wasn't simply led to Christ in one day. I begin to notice that this has been a journey of small revelations from God and deep questioning by Dima…

How blessed are we that Lord allowed us to reap what had been sown long ago. How blessed we are to have a God that shares in the sweetest moments of life on earth. We begin talking as Alina rapidly translates back and forth. We talk about God's faithfulness to answering prayer, that His ears are open to every word Dema mutters, that His Son was sacrificed for Dema and that he is dearly loved. We ask if we could pray. He quickly accepts the offer. Our faces light up and Alina graciously translates for us.

As we finish up prayer, Dima describes an amazing encounter with what could only be the Lord affirming his presence in Dima’s life. In a room full of women, Dima feels the presence of a man lifting him up. Our eyes widen. How great is our God.

We walk to the dining hall where the students are gathered to watch movies. Thinking that God is finished creating mind blowing moments, I am quickly humbled as I listen to Dima begin to speak with his friends saying, “Bog… Bog…Bog,” which means God in Russian. He just received Christ and already He was preaching the love of God!

The Lord will move in your life in ways unexpected. He plants seeds for a season, he waters for another and he allows your hand to take part in His greatness. And every once and a while He reaps before you what He has sown. He will use all the works of His hand to bring about His will. Maybe he’ll use you at church when you volunteer with the youth. Maybe he’ll use you in your family. He may even use you to help out a perfect stranger at the perfect time for a perfect moment that will bring Him glory. And maybe, just maybe, he’ll use a $1.20 to bring about salvation in a roundabout way for a young boy who loves hats.

A $1.20 Cap brings about salvation Pt. 2

Students are running around like monkeys on the camp ground. It’s overwhelming, but over the course of the week, I find my place as a helper to a group of girls from ages 13 to 14. They are all so amazing, each with their own personalities that will be remembered to the end. Their openness is well appreciated and the outward expression of love, from the genuine hugs to the sweet kisses on the cheek, refuels me after each eventful day. No other place I’d rather be.

Thursday rolls around and the Americans are required to put on a skit. No perfect time like the present to bring out THE hat...It's a hit. The kids don’t expect it at all, and the execution of its unveiling is perfected with a calm pause followed by an abrupt burst of dance to La Cucaracha.

It's Friday and Claudette approaches me with her arm swung over a little man. "This is Dima. He collects hats and he wants to know if he can have yours." I hesitate. "But this is my hat," my selfish mind echoes into my ears. The Holy Spirit beats that thought out of me and I question, "How can this be a ministering tool?" "Do you really want it?" "Da," he says. "Do you believe in Jesus?" He shrugs His shoulders and gives Claudette, Alina and me a strange look, as if he knows the desired response is "YES!" but he can't seem to bring himself to lie. Alina translates the body language and says, "I don't think he does." "I'll think about it," I say as I walk away confused with what opportunity God's placed before us…

We walk outside as Alina chases after us and asks us to pray for Dema. We do. The three of us huddle up as we pray in the drizzling outdoors. We pray for God to open up his eyes to the truth. We pray that he accept Christ as his Savior. We pray that he is surrounded by godly people to lead him in the right direction...

A $1.20 Cap brings about salvation Pt. 1

Rummaging through the pile of previously owned hats, I grumble to myself about the tedious task ahead. Both my roommates had bought some ridiculous caps to wear for the kids at the youth camp- one had two bills on opposite sides and the other, neon yellow with a blond ponytail attached to the back. "I won't be surprised if I don't find one," I think to myself. But it's as if, against my own will, a sense of obligation leads me to analyze every cap I come across.

Finally, hundreds of caps and a headache later, a lady comes up behind me waving a seemingly boring hat in my face. She speaks Russian or Romanian, I can't seem to tell the difference at this point. I’m restless but am still prodded towards finding a hat. I quickly look behind me at this black, red and yellow cap. ”Exciting," I think with an underlining sarcastic tone. "Not really." But the lady is adamant about this hat. I take another valuable second to waste on this hat. Wait... what's this snap button on the front of the hat? What's the thick strip down the center of it? There's no way... Does it??

Next thing I know, the thick strap turns into a huge mohawk feathering out from the end of the bill and falling down well past the neck. There are no words to describe the awesomeness that is this hat. No words. Only dropped jaws and satisfaction. I pay $1.20.

And a week later, camp begins...

"And in that day, declares the LORD, you will call me 'My Husband'...and I will make you lie down in safety. And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the LORD." - Hosea 2:16-20

This is a favorite Bible verse of mine. It's near and dear to the heart for me and I pray it grants you comfort.

If you haven't read the book of Hosea, I highly suggest you submerge yourself in it. Know God's justice, embrace His mercy, understand His grace and abhor the sin that separates. For our God deserves nothing less than all that you are.

from Moldova,

"И будет в тот день, говорит Господь, ты будешь звать Меня: 'муж мой'...и дам им жить в безопасности.И обручу тебя Мне навек, и обручу тебя Мне в правде и суде, в благости и милосердии.И обручу тебя Мне в верности, и ты познаешь Господа."

In the comforts of the seminary, i find myself sinking into a chair in the corner of Serghei's office. my ears are listening to a brief grammatical lesson about the nomative case in the russian language. i'm already confused, but it doesn't change my relaxed demeanor. i'm safe amongst friends.

My attention is directed towards the abrupt noise coming from the entrance of the office. It's Tolik, a good friend that Claudette, Alina and I work with for the food ministry. "Hey Tolik!" i say with a relatively upbeat tone. Little do I know that the second he steps into the office, my life will be changed forever.

From out of a plastic bag, Tolik pulls out a gigantic black monstrosity. Light from the ceiling bulb cannot be seen as the monstrosity overwhelms the room. My eyes adjust and I'm able to see this thing, this whiskered demon eel lashing it's tail, creating a gust of wind that blows papers off the desk and sends Serghei flying out the window. As Serghei freefalls 11 stories down, I remain calm on the outside as my insides melt in disgust.

Then, just as we think the brunt of the attack is over, the eel straightens its body like a sharp sword and hurdles over the others in the room towards me. He's found his prey.

Next thing i know it's a battle royale, as I give the eel a swift kick in the face. He's able to wiggle out of my strong grip, but I quickly take control as I grab him by the mouth. Not to boast, but the day was saved by the most humble me.

It's 1:01 am in Moldova. here are some silly rambles:

I finally can say I'm a missionary, carrying the word of God halfway across the world from home. It's a beautiful thing. Beauty, though, is more complicated than anticipated. What God's enabling me to do here isn't surface deep. In fact, He's doing more in me than I could ever do for the people here. Honoring God by professing your faith paints a picture of beauty with humility. I did not get myself here. I did not grant myself provision, I did not answer my own prayers, and I did not decide to love God without God allowing it first.

That being said, I am honored that He has entrusted me with a testimony to Him. There are days I think my testimony will not affect a single soul. Then there are the waves of truth that crash into me showing me how even my story is not my own, and His will for me is for the greater good of His people. He chooses who I will encounter and how our time will honor Him.

The Lord is at work. According to the Scriptures, "[..] we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose" Romans 8:28. In this time of rest in Moldova [major camp projects have not begun], I begin to wonder why God put me here. In all honesty, before the Lord opened my eyes to what He intends, I began to think I landed here on accident, by luck or mistake. Funny thing is that with God, there are no accidents, there is no luck, and no mistakes. There is only favor and grace. That is what the Lord continues to bless each day with, favor and grace.

In the time I spent worrying about wasting time, The Lord was using to develop relationships with teammates, counselors, and friends. He was using the decisions me and my roommates were making to minister without words, and grant Him honor in that way. The people I'm surrounded by at this time know that I love the Lord. There has been no need to verbalize that. It has been through action that our ministry has begun. I can note several times we've visited the elderly to distribute food. The people we visit know that we're Christians. They don't want to know that. What they need is to feel that, whether that be through a hug, a smile, even letting them kiss you on the cheek (yes, babushka's really do kiss you on the cheek!). We don't even need to speak the same language. As long as we're there and we're honest and have Christ at the forefront of our minds, the Lord has been quick to show His love through us.

I've been blessed to be able to connect with some of the children that are apart of the church. There's one girl in particular. She teaches me Russian,as we talk about animal cookies and I butcher the names of the funny shaped owls and turtles. I get to amuse her with silly faces and hugs. The other day, she brought us to see her sister on another part of he district in Moldova. We walked a ways away from the church (I was able to see how eager this ten year old girl was to go to church on her own). Then we hopped on a bus. And then we walked a little more. We didn't understand each other the entire way there. It was such a wonderful experience. And once we saw her sister, who I had met but did not speak much with the last time I was in Moldova, she ran up to me and spun me around (being little has its benefits). She knew less English than her little sister, but she loved just as much. It was a time I never want to forget. It's just another way God showed me how he uses his children in unexpected ways.

thank you for reading. maybe deeper insight next time. til then, paka (goodbye in Russian).